If I’m being honest, these days it feels like it would take a miracle.
It would take a miracle to finish our house.
It would take a miracle to be able to MOVE INTO our house.
It would take a miracle to bring our little boy home.
It would take a miracle to bring my family to visit America.
It would take a miracle…
But our God is the God of miracles right? And I know my God owns the cattle on a thousand hillsides (Psalm 50:10), so why would he leave us struggling for so long. We struggle and toil, day in and day out, and yet we are left with empty hands. I know He called me to Tanzania, but why do I feel like He has forgotten His promises? When He told me He would provide and I placed all my trust in Him, I found freedom and my trust abounded. But day in and day out as time has passed my faith in His promise has wavered. I hear it said “some are called to go and some are called to give.” But what if you’re called to go and STAY and then those who give move on to other things?
(I want to break here to say I do not want those of you who give to feel like I am ungrateful for your gifts. Your gifts have got me this far and continue to sustain me. I thank God for you daily.)
We are trying desperately to forge our livelihoods here, please believe that. I am not allowed to work for pay due to very strict Tanzanian visa regulations. The average Tanzanian salary is less than $100 a month. Because Dickson is an “on call” carpenter, his work (and therefore income) is even more sporadic. He tried another job at a factory, and was willing to deal with the hazardous work conditions until he realized his daily pay (after paying transport) was less than .50 cents. FIFTY cents for a 10 hour work day in terrible conditions. Our very promising farm harvest failed at the time of harvest due to an early frost. This was set to be a huge boost (enough for all our window grates and front door) and now it will maybe cover two window grates.
I admit I cried out to God in frustration when I heard of our harvest. I couldn’t believe he would let this happen. All growing season we were rejoicing at how are crop was thriving. Then in the matter of one evening, one storm, our hopes were crushed. In the midst of my frustration, my husband reminded me of the other farmers from our area. Those who had 10, 15, 20 acres, compared to our 3 and how much they had lost. How their farms were their only livelihood. I recognized my selfishness and moved to prayer for those family. But I still felt hurt in my heart.
God has brought me back to a song I always said I didn’t like. I didn’t like thinking about the hard things. I didn’t like “unanswered prayers.” I didn’t want to believe the truth in this. That the trials of this life can be His mercies in disguise.
It’s one thing to trust God when He answers your prayers; it’s a whole different story to trust Him when He says no or doesn’t say a thing at all. Will you remain faithful even if your greatest fears come to pass?
I find myself stuck with this question. Will I remain faithful if we remain in this single room. Will I remain faithful if we cannot bring our little boy home? Will I remain faithful if I can never afford to visit all of you in America again?
I want to say I will be faithful. I will trust in You who is, who was, who always will be.